Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Passive-Aggressive expert, Bulls*** Artist

Mainly, I want to make it through the day with the minimum of being bothered by other people's problems. So I got a metric-butt-load of passive-aggressive techniques to make people go away. If I drank some caffenie, I could think of some, right now. For now, left unsaid.
The always handy big

Another thing I was thinking about yesterday - if you are tall, with glasses, and have a deep low voice, people assume you know what is going on and they assume you are in charge. So often times, I am called upon to answer questions I have no business answering. In those times, I just start talking, and begin sentences that I have no idea how they will end - I should look surprised at what I just pulled out of my ass, but I maintain a calm expression. I just calmly bullshit until the other person is satisfied, and they go away. They had no business expecting good information from me, so I don't feel guilty. Strangely, I get a lot of repeat business - answering questions. I have learned, if you really want to learn what is going on, stay away from the guy who *looks* like he knows what is going on, and, instead, shoot-the-shit with the scruffy sketchy looking guy off to the side. That is the guy who *really* knows what is going on - he knows where all the bodies are buried and who really gets the work done. Truthfully, most people are terrified to learn what is really going on, because the news is probably alarming and depressing. So they really want a bunch of comforting, plausible sounding lies. And that is where I come in - happy to serve!

the bullshit wagonImage by jeffc5000 via Flickr
What really happens is that after I get tired making up bullshit for repeat customers, I lay out the facts in as startling a manner as possible, so people crap their pants at the horror of the true situation. And then those people have to run to find a new bullshit artist. So I am not doing my "job" as well as I could.
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