Tuesday, August 4, 2009

These are my actual daily-life inventions. Enjoy. Patent pending.

20090328 – we're all a bunch of NerdsImage by Debby A via Flickr

The Color-Inator: This invention is having a grown man carry around a Hello Kitty 5 color pen + mechanical pencil, so he can sign red-lines at work, and mark up notes in all his books, by some multi-color scheme of stars and brackets and arrows. Duct tape holding the pen together is a prominent feature. A critical part of the invention is being large enough so people are uneasy to make a comment. The Bowl-Inator: This invention consists of at least three water bowls in the backyard, so the dog always has at least one water bowl in the shade, and has extra bowls so when she dips her paws in her water bowl to cool them down, she still has others with clean water.

ComplicatedImage by m4r00n3d via Flickr

The Complicate-Inator: This invention has a large, twitchy, anxious man complicate everything he does, and makes every task take 300% more time, to the exasperation of his wife. After he exhausts himself from futile effort, he collapses in bed, to the exasperation of his wife. This invention is a cure for un-exasperated wives. The Chew-Inator: This invention is a way to continuously move food from the front teeth to the back teeth to the back of the throat, via gravity and skilled movement of the tongue and jaws. You can eat with continuous large bites, without pause. The semi-chewed food is continuously swallowed in massive gulps, and the plate is cleared at a shocking rate. This invention is a way to fascinate and horrify dining partners. The Pause-Inator: My invention solves the problem of people trying to communicate with you. Whenever somebody says "What?" or "Excuse me?", you wait three seconds before repeating. Then, if you are interrupted again, you pause again, adding three seconds more to the length of the pause. You fastidiously pause at even the slightest interruption, always adding three more seconds to the pause. A completely blank expression tops off the technique. People complain about

Getting Passive Aggressive @ WorkImage by heather via Flickr

passive-aggressive behavior, but isn't it better than aggressive-aggressive behavior? It is preferable to pushing people down stairs or over balconies. Not pushing people is also my invention. I call it the Non-Push-Inator.

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