Growing up, I had the mistaken belief that I was a "nice guy", and that my lack of luck with women was because "women don't like nice guys".
This Reddit posting hit home, and felt like a slap across my face. It is absolutely true:
2X - Can I rant about this "Girls don't like us nice guys" shit? : TwoXChromosomes:
Once again, a 'girls are stupid for not liking us nice guys' link is #1 on the comics subreddit and #1 on my main reddit homepage.
These things piss me off.
Why? Because I like nice guys. I like shy introverts. I mean, I'm a geek girl myself, so yes, I heart nerds.
And despite all that it was nearly fucking impossible to get a date in high school or college because I'm (frankly) ugly. I mean, ugliness and shyness/introvertness/nerdiness normally go hand-in-hand, right? These guys were never handsome, but by my being just as unpretty as they were, I was invisible. I was unclean.
So every time a guy is bitching and moaning that girls aren't flocking all over them, I want to slap them, because I showed interest in his type, time and time again, and got rejected because I lost the facial genetic lottery, just like he did.
Stop fucking whining that girls suck for not looking past your shy awkward exterior and seeing you for who you are on the inside; you never gave me that courtesy either.
[another commenter]
AHHH, I just read this from /r/bestof and I was hoping someone would have posted about it on 2XC.
Some of the comments (like that one) just don't get it. Women like nice guys.
The problem is that most people who think they're "nice guys" just aren't. In many respects, they're just as shallow as all the promiscuous "assholes" they detest: they'd fuck around if they could, and they put just as much weight on looks as anyone else. The main difference between "assholes" and "nice guys" is that the "nice guys" a usually a combination of: uninteresting, awkward, uncharismatic, not confident, not relatable.
The worst part is that they're (inherently!) jerks. Women actually tend to like nice men! If you, Mr. "Nice Guy," are going to assume that they don't, then that's just insulting and presumptuous. It's your way of saying, "women are dumb enough to not like men who are genuinely nice people." With a presumptuous attitude like that, it's no wonder that these "nice guys" don't tend to do so well.
I think it's a matter of evolutionary psychology. Evolutionarily speaking, it makes sense for men to detest the guy who gets women, hence guys tend to call promiscuous men "assholes." But the truth is, most of these assholes simply aren't assholes. They tend to be fun, interesting, sociable, and kind of nice people. Yes they're promiscuous, but the majority of men would be if they could. Not all of them, but the majority of them. (Men literally do have a larger sex drive than women.)
A rule of thumb: If you think you're being "nice," then you're actually being a jerk. If you think you're "the nicest person in the world, holy shit I am putting my heart and soul into pleasing everyone and not being annoying," then it means you're being kind of nice.
There's a lot of other things I could say... but I feel it would all come off as extremely presumptuous.
[another commenter]
The problem is that most people who think they're "nice guys" just aren't. In many respects, they're just as shallow as all the promiscuous "assholes" they detest: they'd fuck around if they could, and they put just as much weight on looks as anyone else. The main difference between "assholes" and "nice guys" is that the "nice guys" a usually a combination of: uninteresting, awkward, uncharismatic, not confident, not relatable.
Totally agree with all of this, except for the last sentence. Let me fix it for you...
The main difference between "assholes" and "nice guys" is that the "nice guys" expect that doing nice things for hot women alone should make the hot woman attracted to him, they think that "being nice" ought to be the only quality necessary to entitle them to a hot girl of their own.
And this is absolutely, something totally different from actually being a genuine nice guy. Genuine nice guys are nice because they are actually nice, not because they want to get something out of it. By contrast, the nice guys we are talking about are usually just as asshole-ish as the rest of us, except when in the presence of a hot girl that they want. That's the only time that they feel any real need to be any nicer than usual.
The problem is when you are nice as a manipulative move to get something. That's not truly nice. Truly nice is when you are kind for the benevolent sake of helping your fellow man, with no expectation to receive in return. If that's not what is motivating you, then you aren't a nice guy, and stop describing yourself as one just because you keep offering your shoulder for hot girls to cry on.
[another commenter]
I think a good rule of thumb is to try to judge how nice you are being based on how you treat someone you are not attacted to. If you are only nice to girls you lust after, you are not a nice guy.
Shamefully, as a young man, I was guilty of exactly this. At least I have a mature viewpoint to offer my own daughter.
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