Breakdown at 25 - Har!

Felt lousy. Still feels lousy.

The wounds that never heal are the very best ones - the "raw spot" is the embryo of authentic compassion. When somebody who hasn't been to that dark place tries to cheer you up, it feels like a kick in the teeth. When somebody who still feels part of the pain tries to cheer you up, whether or not you _feel_ better, you have the chance to _become_ better. And _feeling_ better will follow.

Read and listen more about "The Raw Spot" - spoken lecture by Zoketsu Norman Fischer.

The title, "The Raw Spot," refers to the teaching by Chogyam Trungpa on embryonic compassion, which grows from the sore or raw or wounded spot in our bodies and hearts.
http://www.everydayzen.org/index.php?option=com_teaching&task=viewTeachingId&Itemid=26&id=785

Image by donny27 via Flickr

There are times in your life when it feels like the kick of a mule square in the middle of your chest. You are dizzy and you are on your ass in the dirt and you are afraid to rise lest you receive another kick. But that mule kick is a gift. I wish it would have happened to me at 15 instead of 25, so I would have a 10 year head start. But, whatever. There wasn't enough there for it to happen before 25.

At 25 I started changing. At 35 I changed enough to really feel I was able to stand upright against the wind. Crap, this garbage was supposed to be finished by now, but even this last year I learned things at 38 that made the first 37 years look like a joke. And so on, I guess.

On a less serious note:

My happiest life change was when I realized I could cut my own hair, and wouldn't have to go to the barber anymore. I hate the barber.

Long dark twenties

"Long Dark Twenties" was a song on the Kids In the Hall movie "Brain Candy" soundtrack. It had the lyric:

"He sized things up He was dismayed At how the years had flown by so fast He had a future He had a dream But all he really wanted was to have a past"

At 25, I thought this was talking about me. Now, I realize that I, personally, was deprived only of a certain kind of past, and I definitely had a past. I can remember it all, thankfully.

Tree of Life in Spring

(Erf.) I kind of missed out on my first quarter century of life. I was all wrapped up in protecting my fragile ego, and I had absolutely no energy left to live life. That plus depression. I finally had a breakdown at 25, and I sure would have appreciated having it earlier. But I cannot generate much self pity. The Raw Spot is embryonic compassion. The very best injuries are the ones that never fully heal, because now you have the prerequisite for authentic compassion. I hope to form that authentic compassion during the rest of my life.

Image by Stephen Poff via Flickr

The weirdest part is knowing that if I had a time machine, I doubt I could have pushed my younger self to a better place. It would have been like pushing on a rope. Maybe I am being too pessimistic. One of the nice things about the Internet is that it is collecting, for all time, stories about humans that are true and have happy endings, but which are completely unmarketable. If you want to write a story about human triumph that is completely unmarketable, put a long hard slog in the middle of the story, and end it with an internal personal victory, and an ambiguous external victory.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Image via Wikipedia

Read and listen more about "The Raw Spot" - spoken lecture by Zoketsu Norman Fischer.

The title, "The Raw Spot," refers to the teaching by Chogyam Trungpa on embryonic compassion, which grows from the sore or raw or wounded spot in our bodies and hearts. http://www.everydayzen.org/index.php?option=com_teaching&task=viewTeachingId&Itemid=26&id=785